Marriage epithet

On Wednesday of this week my divorce was final. After more than thirty-two years in a relationship I always felt would last a lifetime it is now over. There are a million emotions running through me.

I am mourning the death of what I once held closest to my heart. A marriage to the person I always considered my best friend. She was my first and only serious girlfriend and we seemed destined to spend our lives together. We had what many would have considered the perfect life. We dated for four years before we married then waited seven years before we had our first child.

On the outside and even in my mind's eye it was a good marriage. However, reality shows we had really grown apart in the last several years and had lost touch with each other and no longer shared the same hopes and dreams for our future.

As with the failure of anything there are feelings of heartache, sadness and disappointment. It is amazing how two who were once so close could grow so far apart. Allowing external things destroy what was once such a vital relationship. During the year since we separated I have tried hard not to assign blame or become angry. Believe me this has been the most challenging year of my life.

In this past year I have gone from having a well paying job, a start up business which was doing well, and we were living in the house of our dreams. Today my business is struggling, our dream home has been sold, I am now living alone in an apartment and I am very lonely.

I feel some guilt for not working harder to make the marriage work. By the time I tried it was too late. I feel guilty that my children have to endure the pain and heartache of their parents’ divorce. I feel guilty that I was not cut from cloth that could simply get a job to earn a wage but that I needed to follow my dream and where I believe God intended me to be.

I feel pain from a broken heart and a severed family. Her family was always very dear to me and my love for them will never change. Her dad was like a second father to me and saw me through a lot of personal trials over the years. Her mom was always loving and supportive and very concerned for our happiness. I feel in many ways that I also failed them.

I have failed. I have failed to keep those sacred vows I took to keep, to love, honor and cherish. It is in this failure I feel the most despair. Often I have asked myself where it all began to go so bad and I can't answer. I know I must share and take blame for where I failed. I ask my children, my family, my friends, my God and most of all I ask Kelly to forgive me for my failure. Most importantly I know I have to find a way to forgive myself.

I am supposed to feel happiness. For the fact the ordeal of the divorce process is over I am happy. For a chance to move forward with my life I am happy. But to think I can simply close the book on thirty-two years of my life is not possible. Much of whom I am and who I will be in the future I owe to Kelly and the time we were together.

The products of this marriage were two wonderful children. Now young adults, they have endured this past year in a very mature and loving manner. I will always love them with all of my being and I pray they will grow to know the love I have felt and they will learn from the mistakes we made.

In the days and weeks ahead I expect my life will be very different from my past. I will need to start to have new dreams and goals. God has gifted me with so much and I will continue to seek His will for how I am to use these gifts in service to him and my fellow man.

The healing process for me has begun. The writing of this note is the beginning. It is the first time I have been able to write anything in several days. To me it is a sign that God is at work in helping me to heal. Over the next weeks and months I would ask you who read this to say a little extra prayer for me, for Kelly and for the kids that we may all heal.

There will always be a special place in my heart for this relationship and the life we were allowed to share. I wish only happiness for Kelly and hope she finds what she is seeking in her life. She is and always will be special to me. To Kelly, be happy and remember ILU.

I know all of this is a process. For me I probably have made it more difficult than I needed but it is who I am. So, my dear friends seek happiness and when you find it hang on to it for all you are worth.

As I seek a new life this is the lesson which I am taking with me. To hold on to those who are closest and not let anything keep me from finding new happiness.