There have been very few times in my life when I felt I could not pray. Recently it has been very much true for me. All of the pressures of my current situation have flooded my mind and my spirit with feelings of despair and frustration.
When I do pray I find it to be words of the same despair and anger I feel. I question where God is in all of this. After all, I believe I have followed his call and have been true to his will for my life. So am I supposed to be miserable? I have sacrificed allot to follow his call. What I didn’t expect is how extremely painful this process would be. I don’t think it is what I had in mind when I started on this journey. If I have been so true and faithful why am I so miserable?
This is maybe my most difficult admission, especially in a public forum. I get very discouraged when my financial situation is rough. I realize I am not the Lone Ranger in this. There are many in very difficult situations. For me I have always measured my success to a certain level, on my ability to make money. When money gets tight I get scared. I get down on myself and feel like I am failing.
Lately those walls have been tightening around me. My divorce, mediation, covering monthly and long-term financial obligations, managing a fledgling business though a serious recession and the fear of the future have all created a very heavy burden for me.
My brain understands what God wants me to do but my heart is so full of fear for the future I can’t seem to let Him in. Words seem hollow, even scripture doesn’t seem to making an impact right now.
I know I am not unique but also know it is on my heart to ask for your prayer, the prayers of your friends and the prayers of strangers.
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